I feel great
I just peed on a car
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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