are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
