I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
