Everything about him screamed your future.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
