My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
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