So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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