My first STD was from a foam party
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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