So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
