So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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