wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
