I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
