mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
