youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
