hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
