i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
