He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
