I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My ATM looks so different sober.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
