maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
