So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
