I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The uberlube is also flammable
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
