Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
