I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
