No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
