you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
