I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
