i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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