jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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