there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
