if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
