i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
