Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
