You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
