I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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