i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
