my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
