we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
