You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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