eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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