these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
