I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
