He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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