I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
