I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
