I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There r osticjed everywhere
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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