my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
