part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
