Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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