So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
