Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
