What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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